Becoming Bolder

I am a recovering perfectionist. Chasing perfection has always been a bit of an addiction for me. Not because I desired praise from others, but because of the rush that came from exceeding my own expectations and knowing that there was no room for being better. I reveled at the lush image in my head of a life where everything was perfectly colored in the lines. The problem was my life was never meant to be contained in lines. No one’s is. 

In high school, my perfectionist ambitions were destroyed one by one, like pulling out a Jenga block from the original structure. Life came crashing down more times than I can count, but each time, I built up my blocks again. Each block of the perfect tower represented something different- a test score, a friendship, a grade, a solo tryout... all little things that I depended on too much for my stability. As time went on, I became more strategic on deciding what was most important to my ability to stand strong. 

When it came down to it, these were my top priorities, my bottom foundation Jenga blocks:

-The recognition that I was doing the absolute best I could.

-Personal happiness above trying to please everyone.

-Having positive people in my life that filled me with joy and inspiration.

Lucky for me, the last tenant was one that was rather unfailing. I had the best friends ever. We were described as “a force to be reckoned with”. They were a huge reason as to why I loved high school so much; they made up for every little “tragedy” I experienced. Our senior year was bittersweet, as we were standing on the border of “real life”, with one foot in the land of “I don’t want this to end!” and the other in “I’m ready for the new!”. We knew what we had was rare and that each day together meant we were closer to being apart. I was nervous. These were my people. They drove me insane but kept me sane. As much as I was someone who needed alone time, I also needed my safety net. I feared that my luck had run out and there was no way I would ever have something so special. Graduation came, the summer flew by, and we were all packing up and about to pave out own separate paths. Everything was about to change, on so many levels. I wished, hoped, and prayed that the current bond between my friends and I wouldn’t change, but that I could find something like it in my next chapter.

I don’t think anyone can really be prepared for college. You go in blind, completely unsure about every little thing, vulnerable as ever, but with each day and with each experience, you gain some clarity and one day, it’s crystal clear- you are truly becoming who you are meant to be. The first few months, I was adjusting, but still trying to find out exactly where I clicked. It wasn’t too difficult though, as I hit the lottery. By some stroke of fate, I got placed on a small, all girls floor. Each and every girl had such a sweet, welcoming soul. Our immediate connection was something electric, something more powerful than I had ever felt before. We were all different, yet similar. Our bond was pure and wholesome and natural. We could spend hours together but it would only feel like minutes- it’s like we have known each other forever, not only a matter of months. These girls were the people I needed in my life so desperately, but I didn’t even know it until I had them. There was something different about this friendship than what I had experienced in high school, something different that I needed. That I wanted. They were my missing link, the extra Jenga block that increased my foundation: unconditional love and acceptance.

My tower can come crumbling down at any second, but they will always be there, standing firm. 

I believe in sisterhood. I believe in remembering the little details and being vulnerable and being so happy your heart feels like it might explode. I believe that we need each other, to teach other, to love each other. I believe in celebrating successes together and lifting each other up. I believe in bubbling with excitement to the point in which everyone is talking at once, and listening to each other all the same.  I believe in crying as therapy, followed by mass amounts of laughter. I believe in three hour brunches and midnight cupcakes. I believe in dancing it out, no matter how stupid you look. I believe in the future and hopes and dreams and reality. I believe in blessings and miracles and star-crossed friendship.

We are growing. We are transforming the world around us with our knowledge, passion, and drive. We share our joys and sorrows. We are strong. We are not alone in facing our fears, we are no longer hesitant. We are becoming bolder. Together. 

xo
Hannah